Holding Multiple Truths As A Parent

Hello beautiful souls! I woke up feeling a big intuitive pull to share something with you that I moved through over the weekend. It has to do with the concept of holding multiple truths… 

“This and that can be true at the same time.”

I’m naturally wired this way (to live in the grey). I’ve always been able to see and understand multiple perspectives in most any situation. But living in the grey and holding multiple truths at once, can also be very challenging as a deep feeler in the world we live in

This concept came to the forefront of my mind yet again on Friday night. Both of my projector kids were overtired from a busy week of school + activities. Instead of our normal relaxing end of the week, we had a very busy Friday evening too! 

The end result? My exhausted 5 year old daughter crying nonstop at bedtime from 730-830, as my husband held space for her the entire time. My 8 year old (who had been keeping it together somewhat) lost it right as she was calming down. (Not ideal since we all co-sleep!) 

He told me very hesitantly between tears, “I feel like I want to scream and yell!” 

“Ok, then that’s what you need to do. Let it out then,” I said.

He proceeded to scream and yell and thrash around on the bed for an HOUR STRAIGHT y’all! (As my daughter was wimpering she just wanted to go to bed).

My husband and I sat between the kids in silence, doing our best to breathe deeply and relax our nervous systems…while simultaneously feeling SO frustrated + exhausted + agitated!

The double intense meltdowns - especially at the end of the day - are something I could never have handled years ago without yelling/crying/losing it myself. They are something my husband likely couldn’t have handled even a year ago. We are both highly sensitive empaths and it has taken YEARS for us to get to the point where we can maintain our composure and regulate ourselves. And sometimes, we do end up walking away or yelling out or crying (me at least), but for the most part we can handle whatever our three littles throw at us now. 

Once my son calmed down, I started taking extra deep breaths and asked him to breathe with me to co-regulate. I told him that it’s really important for our bodies to release any pent up emotions, and I know how badly he needed to get them out. (The kid is an empath sponge like his mama!) As the firstborn, he tends to be a bit of a perfectionist and never wants to disappoint us. I could feel his relief from releasing all that emotion and energy, and also his relief that we let it be ok despite the fact we all desperately wanted to sleep! My husband then gave him a hug and snuggled him to sleep, as I left to go downstairs and let out a huge sigh.

When I sat on the couch, I felt like we deserved a medal! I was SO proud of us for our capacity to hold space for the kids’ big feels. And I was extra proud of my husband. Because his capacity to hold space is naturally much smaller than mine. I know how hard that was for him internally to not yell/say enough is enough/and to not walk away. It has taken SO MUCH practice for him to get to this point, and my heart felt so grateful to have him as my partner at that moment. 

I found myself tearing up (hello pregnancy hormones!) at what a good father he is. When he came downstairs I said, “Wow babe our kids are so freaking lucky to have you as a dad. I wish I had that as a child. What a difference it would have made.” 

As I said these words, my own personal grief began to well up in my throat. My father is basically the opposite of my husband. Big feelings were never safe with him. I was shamed/sent to my room/yelled at if I had big feelings. As a highly sensitive, intuitive, empathic child, I translated that to mean I was not safe with him. My mom was my safe zone, and with my dad I suppressed myself, put up guard walls, and contorted who I was, all while desperately trying to win his minimal words of approval.

The father wound I carried took me decades to rewire. 

And if I’m being honest, sometimes it still really hurts. When I see how close a friend is with her dad, calling him her “best friend” and truly meaning it. When I see how emotionally available + giving + loving my husband is with our own children. It opens my scars just a little… 

This all got me thinking back to what I find is often a theme in my life:

Two truths can co-exist.

And choosing these two truths (vs one or the other) is quite literally choosing your highest perspective. 

I can be proud of my husband + how he parents our children… AND I can be sad that I didn’t have a father like that + grieve my childhood experience with him. 

I can hold it all.

In a divisive world that desperately shouts at us to choose black or white, there’s always a third choice: To live in the grey.

Thinking more globally, we can be sad + angry at all the darkness + injustice coming up to be purged AND we can also live our most joyful lives + be the lighthouse in our communities. We’re not meant to dive into the darkness and get pulled down with it. And we’re also not meant to bypass and pretend like everything is love and light, ignoring what is happening around us. 

I truly believe we are here at this time to hold it all.

This is the growth edge for humanity. The consciousness shift many of us have been waiting and praying for. 

I believe the more people that are open to a “living in the grey - this and that - holding the paradox” mentality + way of being, the faster our world will evolve in the most beautiful, magical way. 

From my light to yours,

Xo Lyndsey